A prayer for my niece

Dear Lord, please give her new set of eyes that she may see… Let your face shine on her. Please embrace and protect her as she will undergo the surgery. Protected by the blood of Jesus. Amen.

Missing Panget

It is funny when I dreamed to go home and to find myself a new job; to satisfy what I thirsted for for the past year. I had so many rants about being jobless, losing my career, and going loose for our future.

And so it goes.  A week just passed from physically separated from him and yet I do miss him now. Days are dragging.  My day is not complete without seeing him.  It became a need to hear his voice from time to time.

Marriage life is entirely different. I had  learned. Life is not complete without the other. I do worry if he had eaten for dinner,  or if ever he had eaten during his free time at work and if he had completed rest without worrying of being late for the next workday.

I had been attached to him being his wife. Closer now that I cannot leave him there long. I had forgotten my single life.

During my short visit in the Philippines, I feel that something in me was missing. That part was left in Tokyo. I really miss him.

After much some thought,  what really matters to me are things worth waiting for. I will just enjoy this God’s appointed time and appreciate what He has prepared for us.

Mixd Emo

I am feeling heavy right now.  A day more and I will be coming back home. Call it separation anxiety and yes, I feel I will be missing my husband who has been my only family while in Japan for more than a year.  Probably I just don’t want to miss him…

Another one, to tell you, is that I don’t want to go back to Tokyo either, if only not for him. A year had passed since I lost my career and yes, I still couldn’t accept the everyday lifestyle that I have in Tokyo. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy serving my husband and doing all the wife’s work for him. I can even earn  more than my month’s salary worth in Manila here just for doing some physical jobs, but I cannot relate to myself. It seems that I have lost who I was…

I am working as a pre-school teacher for Japanese kids aged 6months to 4 years, giving them the care daily. I appreciate the sweet smiles of innocent faces in front of me, especially when I am coming in the morning. They begin to enjoy learning English through our singing, dancing and drawing. I can put to sleep babies in no time, I have come to master some of the babies’ attitudes, and can recognize each one with just one cry.

I really miss my work in office. I miss how my mind worked flowing freely like a stream, creating ideas and making these ideas work. I am still a programmer. By heart.

I remember when I was just starting to find my niche, I was initially employed as an Actuarial Assistant for an insurance company. I did not finish the year working as one, as I know my heart is missing something. I missed programming. Though I know the career I just had left would give me a hefty pay in the long run, I dwelled in to the competitive world of software development. And I stayed there until I lost it, last year.

Maybe God has really created me to be one, as my heart is set unto it. For same reasons that I married my husband, I cannot but live with other careers but programming. I know I can face any struggles with my husband, worst and best, and can even stomach the worst in him — knowing that he is still a workmanship of God in progress.

I must admit I cannot leave him as I will be missing him, and I probably cannot trust him hundred percent. I honestly dont want to put our marriage to test; and as a Christian wife, I cannot face the fact that I will be leaving him for my career. It seems so selfish. And an un-Christian act.

What if God has really set my heart unto this? And what if God is bringing us up together to a higher level of trust and faith? I don’t know really.

Ideals and realities are different. They are two completely different words. And if I would be asked to choose, I’d rather choose reality. Considering the many broken marriages for Filipinos who have worked overseas for the initial vision of providing for their families, many are coming back to nowhere — as they easily assimilated to their new lifestyles, they have never patched the broken trusts made by distance and infidelity. A year. Two year. Three years. Count them in and sure enough, the intimacy of couples are already lost. I cannot let it knocking on my doorstep. No, I will not allow it.

And so I am on my dilemma. Career or marriage?  Support or front-end?  I need to set back and cross my fingers that God has his hands in approval on my chosen path.

Going home

I will be leaving for Manila next week and have my first Christmas without husband. Shikataganai ne. As I am trying to catch my sister’s wedding on the third day of January, I cannot but help to get the cheapest possible tickey way back home. It is peak season and it is really awfully wrong when tickets soar high like rocket ships on holiday seasons.

This is also my time to go home to bring anything but me. We have already used our saved money for something and I will be meeting people without Christmas presents in mind. Anyway it is not because it is just Christmas that I am going home, I just want to be there when my youngest sister tie the knot.

Going home always mean great Filipino food, seeing my family and well, seeing how fast our  added children in the family grow! I now have five very beautiful nieces and nephews… six officially. 

I’m excited to do more babysitting and cooking for them all. After all, what is my one year of being a homemaker if I cannot put those to the test with them? And even if how different my cooked meals taste may be, they will always appreciate these.

An OFW Dilemma

A friend called me one night as homesickness was biting her bigtime.  As December month progresses day by day, she longs to go home and meet her family once again. Regardless of  which country you are in, being an overseas worker has many downs and most of those affected are their children, longing to be reunited with their mothers.

She talked her heart out to me. How can you reply to your child with a question like this— “Nanay, kelan ka uuwi? Kailangan ba natin ng isang sakong pera bago tayo magkakasama?” (Mom, when will you be back? Do we need to save a sack of money before we can live together?)

It is hard to explain to the children the need of one of the parents to go out of the country to support for their living. I still dont know how to react should I fall in that shoes.

One thing I will make it though. That I will do my best to have my family intact, physically close, and our bonds stronger.

Living by faith

<My life is in a constant change — from a career woman into a homemaker, from a giver into a  taker, from a breadwinner into a bummer. I must admit to myself, there was none of which those roles mentioned that I like to take step into. No, I was not prepared for something more boring than the term itself.

An acquaintance had advised me to take the current situation as is, and never took regret checking the past. I have to move on and see what lies ahead. It is hard I tell you. This is indeed the most humbling period of my life.

There were times I just saw myself slipping away in tears; husband looking helpless consoling me that things will be better at least for me. Just take great patience and determination. And bring a greater load of confidence moving on and taking on bolder steps.

The life of a married woman is harder than any other path she had formerly chosen to thread on.  It is selfless and requires a great deal of humility. I wept silently as I see my former self slipping away – removing pride, crown, confidence, and other love (ie. “career” and not any third party). From a master of myself stepping into the clothe of servanthood, I trusted God that He is dealing with me rightly and justly. I panted and cried, wept like a child in front of her Father and reasoned as a lawyer in front of the Right Judge.

“Patience my dear, needs time. Time, my child, as I define differ yours.”

“Lord, deal with it swiftly” as  I pray.

These days, I am remembering some pillars of faith.  I was able to relate to Sarai who laugh in disbelief for the promise of God in her. I could feel Job’s misery when he was asking God for answers, and his mournful surrender when God rebuked him; and I was Eve when God corrected her — “to you woman, your joy shall be for your husband…”

In all things I am dealing right now, I just want to see sometime, that God is pleased with me. I wish Him to tell me that I become a good and faithful servant, and thus I am worthyo to enter His Kingdom, surely, some day…

-written Sept 28, 2009-

A love letter

BELOVED,

I have called you by your name. As your name brings joy into my very heart.

When you were a child, you have a thousand of questions running in your mind. You kept asking and asking, even in the wee hours of the morning. You were quite inquisitive and I marvelled to the wonder of this girl I had created and had breathed in from my very life. You were my fine print. And I had been thrilled to know and see you growing every moment.

And time passed you reach for your independence. By all means I gave you your freedom to taste life and enjoy it. You were made for enjoyment and pleasure. I had given you the gift of life and the offer to live life to the fullest. I wanted to see that the girl I had nurtured had grown into a young woman…capable of loving and giving back love. You were from me, and I watch you from a distance. My sharp eyes are focus into you.

But do things of this world really blinds you my beloved? You soon feel the pressure of being responsible and at work. You were anxious and fearful of your future, and regretful of the mistakes of your past. Have you realized that mistakes are designed for you to be perfect  in MY assigned time? I cried when you cried. I laughed when you laughed. Your heart, betting in mine.

Beloved, I calmed the seas for you. I stopped the winds and storm, and even turned the water into wine. I called you and you were alive. You touched me and you were healed. You questioned me and I answered. You cried out, and I turned back to you. You wrestled with me, and I gave you my blessings.

Beloved, when you were a baby, every prayer said sents angels to summon your requests.  The words departing from your lips are life. To give life, to bless, to love, to hope, to be joyful.

And now that you have grown up, I expect you to be like Me. Full of character and Spirit. Not as the world knows. But as you have known the way of your Father.

So REST BELOVED. Come back to Me, and take my strife. Renew your spirit as you renew your strength.

REMEMBER that you are an Eagle Christian. No matter what the tides turn, and which direction the wind toss, REMEMBER who you are. YOU ARE MY FINE PRINT. YOU ARE MINE.

And I will not let anything, death or life, angels or demons, past, present nor future, to separate you from the LOVE OF ME.

SEE ME, BELOVED. And tastes me. For my love is sweeter than wine.

FOR YOU ARE THE APPLE OF MY EYES.

Come Back to Me, and Enter  My REST.

 

FROM Your Alpha and Omega. Your beginning and end. Your identity.

Trip to Memory

I had the privilege to let my mind flow down the memory lane. A small part of my mind rushed through a song my heart learned when it first hid its first object of affection. The song “Somebody” by Depeche Mode had reminded me of him, the love of my youth. Probably I loved because I was in love with the love itself, and the guy just came next. Still hearing the song, all the memories rushed through — t’was an honest and pure affection. As the song died out, so did my memory of him. As much as how much love was given,  same had been wasted…probably. It was not him anyway. I was not for him. It was not our time…

Then a run through with some of my past blogs.  As a new wife then, my writings were the silent witnesses of the struggles we went through alone, and together. I just realized how much I went through, I never thought how much strength I had to carry on those times. Threatened marriage. First pregnancy. And a miscarriage. Every year was marked with a struggle. Too hard to carry. Yeah I know, diamonds became diamonds when exposed to enermous pressure and dust plus time.  With hope and great dependence to the ONE who created us, my husband had become my bestfriend, lover and partner.

Suddenly those trials seemed to stop. But the biggest blow came in. This year. No job. Bum me. Even now. Pity sometimes I do,  as I adapt to the new lifestyle after a decade of self independence. As a housewife depending on the means of my partner, it was really difficult. I did not depend to anyone. No work. No opportunity yet. Is it the recession or I am just lazy?

I keep asking myself what should I do next. There are a dozen ideas running through my mind and yet there is nothing tangible in my hands.  Like a castle in the cloud. Just a silhouette… Hazy. And weak…

This is my time to unlearn and forget the past. The ugly past and just be proud of the scars it had left. I should be wiser than yesterday.

“Are you still thinking as if you are inside the box?”, God nudged in my mind one time when I was searching for His answer. I was startled by his question, caught red-handed, I did not have an answer.

“What is it Lord that I have to do?“…

“What is it in your hands?“, said God to Moses. “A staff“, his reply.

A staff… Who am I, myself?  “Relearn my child. You know the answer.“

I am a clay in my Potter’s hands. I may be broken and tossed in the floor. A clay cannot tell the Potter as to how it shall be used. The Potter has already the idea on His mind. It is not my time… but HIS time.

Towards my real purpose. Not anymore for survival. But for a higher reason…

Manananggal (マナナングガル）

昔々、静かな田舎で皆は幸せな生活がしていた。ある日、カピスという家族が遠い場所から来ました。その家族は優しくて、親切で皆はすぐにその家族と仲良くなりました。

カピスさんは皆にパーティーで誘いました。パーティーがあったとき、その家族はあまり食べませんでした。ワインも飲まないし、豚肉も食べないし、やさいも嫌いでした。「なぜ食べないんですか？」と聞いたとき、いつも「私たちは特別なダイエットをしているから、結構です。」と答えました。だいたい、相手によく質問するのは「家族は何人ですか？一人で生活しますか？」などです。

カピスさんの近所の人はエバさんという人です。エバさんのご主人は漁師なので、夜になるとうみに行きます。ご主人は次の日の朝、帰ります。エバさんは妊娠しました。そのニュースはカピスさんにうれしく伝えました。もちろん、カピスさんもそれを聞いたとき、とてもうれしかったです。自分だけで、「やっと赤ちゃんができて、生まれてくるまで待っています。料理を作っていただき。。。ワッハッハッハ」

エバさんは妊娠6ヶ月になってきました。ある夜の闇に、朧月が出ていました。エバさんの家の屋上から変な声が聞こえました。「イック！イック！イック！」と言って、エバさんが寝てから目覚めました。窓をちょっと開けると、マナナングガルという幽霊が見えました。目が赤くて、コウモリのような羽で、上の体だけで飛んで潜んでいました。「イック！イック！イック！　エバさんの赤ちゃんがお腹にいるので、香りがよくておいしそう！赤ちゃんが生まれるまでまだ時がんがあるよ。。。」

次の日、エバさんのご主人が仕事から帰りました。泣きながら、エバさんはご主人に昨日の夜のものすごい経験を言いました。怖くて、赤ちゃんのことを心配しました。エバさんのご主人は塩とニンニクをたくさん買いました。窓の周りにおいて置きました。

その夜、マナナングガルがきっともう一度エバさんの屋上へ戻ってきました。この日は窓を力強く開けてきました。聞いたとき、悪い香りがして、たくさん塩が見えました。マナナングガルの息が苦しくなって、怖くなって、飛び出してしまいました。

さて、森の中にエバさんのご主人はマナナングガルの下の体を探してみます。きっと、大きい木の横に、下の体が見つかりました。ご主人がたくさん塩を下の体にかけました。マナナングガルはおごくのが遅くなって来ました。下の体は塩もおあったから、マナナングガルは死にしました。

夜が明けて、近所のカピスさんの家の前に　もう死んだカピスさんが地面に横たわりました。その体が分かれてしまいました。その残っている家族はどこにも見つかりませんでした。

その家族がもう行って二度とその田舎に戻ってきませんでした。その田舎は静かになって皆が本当に安心して生けるようになりました。

以上

Living in an earthquake-prone Japan

We had experienced two strong earthquakes in Tokyo just in two days!

Sunday night, an earthquake with a magnitude of 7.1 occured at around 8pm and I was talking to my sister over the phone. Learning that earthquake occurs here as much as typhoons occur in the Philippines, I am just monitoring if it would become stronger. A minute had passed and the fixtures in my room were already moving. I stood in panick, cutting my call to my sister with an alarmed voice. I checked outside and the big electrical wires connected to my neighbor’s house was still moving…

I already slept at 2 am this morning, only to be awaken by another earthquake with a magnitude of 6.4 this time at around 5am. I was already shaking as I was still puzzled should I go out or stay at home. I am not sure if the quake was really long as I was asleep.

AS of this writing, I am watching the japan news discussing why the earthquake happened this morning. They were saying that the Philippines` (tectonic) plates moved which affected the Honshu (Main island, which includes Tokyo) region of Japan.  There were probably a panic in their voices but still giving assurances to people that the great Tokai earthquake, which everyone dreaded to occur, will not happen yet…

(The Tokai Earthquake is a prediction that an earthquake with a magnitude of more than 8 will likely to occur in Honshu region, for an interval of 100-150 years. Most of the Japanese believe that it may break the Honshu island into two, because the main island is located just below two different tectonic plates–the Philippine plate and Eurasian plate. And a movement of these plates result into the inevitable …)

http://geology.about.com/od/eq_prediction/a/aa_tokaiquake.htm

http://geology.com/news/2006/11/tokai-earthquake-prediction-japan.html

Some preparations for the earthquake can be found in these sites–

http://www.yia.or.jp/earthquake/Earthquake_en.pdf

Earthquake monitors-

http://www.jma.go.jp/en/quake/

http://earthquake.usgs.gov/eqcenter/recenteqsww/Quakes/quakes_all.html