Living by faith

<My life is in a constant change — from a career woman into a homemaker, from a giver into a  taker, from a breadwinner into a bummer. I must admit to myself, there was none of which those roles mentioned that I like to take step into. No, I was not prepared for something more boring than the term itself.

An acquaintance had advised me to take the current situation as is, and never took regret checking the past. I have to move on and see what lies ahead. It is hard I tell you. This is indeed the most humbling period of my life.

There were times I just saw myself slipping away in tears; husband looking helpless consoling me that things will be better at least for me. Just take great patience and determination. And bring a greater load of confidence moving on and taking on bolder steps.

The life of a married woman is harder than any other path she had formerly chosen to thread on.  It is selfless and requires a great deal of humility. I wept silently as I see my former self slipping away – removing pride, crown, confidence, and other love (ie. “career” and not any third party). From a master of myself stepping into the clothe of servanthood, I trusted God that He is dealing with me rightly and justly. I panted and cried, wept like a child in front of her Father and reasoned as a lawyer in front of the Right Judge.

“Patience my dear, needs time. Time, my child, as I define differ yours.”

“Lord, deal with it swiftly” as  I pray.

These days, I am remembering some pillars of faith.  I was able to relate to Sarai who laugh in disbelief for the promise of God in her. I could feel Job’s misery when he was asking God for answers, and his mournful surrender when God rebuked him; and I was Eve when God corrected her — “to you woman, your joy shall be for your husband…”

In all things I am dealing right now, I just want to see sometime, that God is pleased with me. I wish Him to tell me that I become a good and faithful servant, and thus I am worthyo to enter His Kingdom, surely, some day…

-written Sept 28, 2009-

A love letter

BELOVED,

I have called you by your name. As your name brings joy into my very heart.

When you were a child, you have a thousand of questions running in your mind. You kept asking and asking, even in the wee hours of the morning. You were quite inquisitive and I marvelled to the wonder of this girl I had created and had breathed in from my very life. You were my fine print. And I had been thrilled to know and see you growing every moment.

And time passed you reach for your independence. By all means I gave you your freedom to taste life and enjoy it. You were made for enjoyment and pleasure. I had given you the gift of life and the offer to live life to the fullest. I wanted to see that the girl I had nurtured had grown into a young woman…capable of loving and giving back love. You were from me, and I watch you from a distance. My sharp eyes are focus into you.

But do things of this world really blinds you my beloved? You soon feel the pressure of being responsible and at work. You were anxious and fearful of your future, and regretful of the mistakes of your past. Have you realized that mistakes are designed for you to be perfect  in MY assigned time? I cried when you cried. I laughed when you laughed. Your heart, betting in mine.

Beloved, I calmed the seas for you. I stopped the winds and storm, and even turned the water into wine. I called you and you were alive. You touched me and you were healed. You questioned me and I answered. You cried out, and I turned back to you. You wrestled with me, and I gave you my blessings.

Beloved, when you were a baby, every prayer said sents angels to summon your requests.  The words departing from your lips are life. To give life, to bless, to love, to hope, to be joyful.

And now that you have grown up, I expect you to be like Me. Full of character and Spirit. Not as the world knows. But as you have known the way of your Father.

So REST BELOVED. Come back to Me, and take my strife. Renew your spirit as you renew your strength.

REMEMBER that you are an Eagle Christian. No matter what the tides turn, and which direction the wind toss, REMEMBER who you are. YOU ARE MY FINE PRINT. YOU ARE MINE.

And I will not let anything, death or life, angels or demons, past, present nor future, to separate you from the LOVE OF ME.

SEE ME, BELOVED. And tastes me. For my love is sweeter than wine.

FOR YOU ARE THE APPLE OF MY EYES.

Come Back to Me, and Enter  My REST.

 

FROM Your Alpha and Omega. Your beginning and end. Your identity.

Trip to Memory

I had the privilege to let my mind flow down the memory lane. A small part of my mind rushed through a song my heart learned when it first hid its first object of affection. The song “Somebody” by Depeche Mode had reminded me of him, the love of my youth. Probably I loved because I was in love with the love itself, and the guy just came next. Still hearing the song, all the memories rushed through — t’was an honest and pure affection. As the song died out, so did my memory of him. As much as how much love was given,  same had been wasted…probably. It was not him anyway. I was not for him. It was not our time…

Then a run through with some of my past blogs.  As a new wife then, my writings were the silent witnesses of the struggles we went through alone, and together. I just realized how much I went through, I never thought how much strength I had to carry on those times. Threatened marriage. First pregnancy. And a miscarriage. Every year was marked with a struggle. Too hard to carry. Yeah I know, diamonds became diamonds when exposed to enermous pressure and dust plus time.  With hope and great dependence to the ONE who created us, my husband had become my bestfriend, lover and partner.

Suddenly those trials seemed to stop. But the biggest blow came in. This year. No job. Bum me. Even now. Pity sometimes I do,  as I adapt to the new lifestyle after a decade of self independence. As a housewife depending on the means of my partner, it was really difficult. I did not depend to anyone. No work. No opportunity yet. Is it the recession or I am just lazy?

I keep asking myself what should I do next. There are a dozen ideas running through my mind and yet there is nothing tangible in my hands.  Like a castle in the cloud. Just a silhouette… Hazy. And weak…

This is my time to unlearn and forget the past. The ugly past and just be proud of the scars it had left. I should be wiser than yesterday.

“Are you still thinking as if you are inside the box?”, God nudged in my mind one time when I was searching for His answer. I was startled by his question, caught red-handed, I did not have an answer.

“What is it Lord that I have to do?“…

“What is it in your hands?“, said God to Moses. “A staff“, his reply.

A staff… Who am I, myself?  “Relearn my child. You know the answer.“

I am a clay in my Potter’s hands. I may be broken and tossed in the floor. A clay cannot tell the Potter as to how it shall be used. The Potter has already the idea on His mind. It is not my time… but HIS time.

Towards my real purpose. Not anymore for survival. But for a higher reason…

Manananggal (マナナングガル）

昔々、静かな田舎で皆は幸せな生活がしていた。ある日、カピスという家族が遠い場所から来ました。その家族は優しくて、親切で皆はすぐにその家族と仲良くなりました。

カピスさんは皆にパーティーで誘いました。パーティーがあったとき、その家族はあまり食べませんでした。ワインも飲まないし、豚肉も食べないし、やさいも嫌いでした。「なぜ食べないんですか？」と聞いたとき、いつも「私たちは特別なダイエットをしているから、結構です。」と答えました。だいたい、相手によく質問するのは「家族は何人ですか？一人で生活しますか？」などです。

カピスさんの近所の人はエバさんという人です。エバさんのご主人は漁師なので、夜になるとうみに行きます。ご主人は次の日の朝、帰ります。エバさんは妊娠しました。そのニュースはカピスさんにうれしく伝えました。もちろん、カピスさんもそれを聞いたとき、とてもうれしかったです。自分だけで、「やっと赤ちゃんができて、生まれてくるまで待っています。料理を作っていただき。。。ワッハッハッハ」

エバさんは妊娠6ヶ月になってきました。ある夜の闇に、朧月が出ていました。エバさんの家の屋上から変な声が聞こえました。「イック！イック！イック！」と言って、エバさんが寝てから目覚めました。窓をちょっと開けると、マナナングガルという幽霊が見えました。目が赤くて、コウモリのような羽で、上の体だけで飛んで潜んでいました。「イック！イック！イック！　エバさんの赤ちゃんがお腹にいるので、香りがよくておいしそう！赤ちゃんが生まれるまでまだ時がんがあるよ。。。」

次の日、エバさんのご主人が仕事から帰りました。泣きながら、エバさんはご主人に昨日の夜のものすごい経験を言いました。怖くて、赤ちゃんのことを心配しました。エバさんのご主人は塩とニンニクをたくさん買いました。窓の周りにおいて置きました。

その夜、マナナングガルがきっともう一度エバさんの屋上へ戻ってきました。この日は窓を力強く開けてきました。聞いたとき、悪い香りがして、たくさん塩が見えました。マナナングガルの息が苦しくなって、怖くなって、飛び出してしまいました。

さて、森の中にエバさんのご主人はマナナングガルの下の体を探してみます。きっと、大きい木の横に、下の体が見つかりました。ご主人がたくさん塩を下の体にかけました。マナナングガルはおごくのが遅くなって来ました。下の体は塩もおあったから、マナナングガルは死にしました。

夜が明けて、近所のカピスさんの家の前に　もう死んだカピスさんが地面に横たわりました。その体が分かれてしまいました。その残っている家族はどこにも見つかりませんでした。

その家族がもう行って二度とその田舎に戻ってきませんでした。その田舎は静かになって皆が本当に安心して生けるようになりました。

以上

Living in an earthquake-prone Japan

We had experienced two strong earthquakes in Tokyo just in two days!

Sunday night, an earthquake with a magnitude of 7.1 occured at around 8pm and I was talking to my sister over the phone. Learning that earthquake occurs here as much as typhoons occur in the Philippines, I am just monitoring if it would become stronger. A minute had passed and the fixtures in my room were already moving. I stood in panick, cutting my call to my sister with an alarmed voice. I checked outside and the big electrical wires connected to my neighbor’s house was still moving…

I already slept at 2 am this morning, only to be awaken by another earthquake with a magnitude of 6.4 this time at around 5am. I was already shaking as I was still puzzled should I go out or stay at home. I am not sure if the quake was really long as I was asleep.

AS of this writing, I am watching the japan news discussing why the earthquake happened this morning. They were saying that the Philippines` (tectonic) plates moved which affected the Honshu (Main island, which includes Tokyo) region of Japan.  There were probably a panic in their voices but still giving assurances to people that the great Tokai earthquake, which everyone dreaded to occur, will not happen yet…

(The Tokai Earthquake is a prediction that an earthquake with a magnitude of more than 8 will likely to occur in Honshu region, for an interval of 100-150 years. Most of the Japanese believe that it may break the Honshu island into two, because the main island is located just below two different tectonic plates–the Philippine plate and Eurasian plate. And a movement of these plates result into the inevitable …)

http://geology.about.com/od/eq_prediction/a/aa_tokaiquake.htm

http://geology.com/news/2006/11/tokai-earthquake-prediction-japan.html

Some preparations for the earthquake can be found in these sites–

http://www.yia.or.jp/earthquake/Earthquake_en.pdf

Earthquake monitors-

http://www.jma.go.jp/en/quake/

http://earthquake.usgs.gov/eqcenter/recenteqsww/Quakes/quakes_all.html

大切な贈り物

二年前に私は大阪で結婚しました。三ヶ月後急に妊娠して、本当にびっくりしました。そんなはずはないと思ったのに。神様から与えられた赤ちゃんほど大切な贈り物はありません。

妊娠のテストツールによって、赤ちゃんができたらしいと分かりました。そのことが分かった週に私は赤ちゃんに愛の言葉を話し始めました。「赤ちゃん、男の子かな？女の子かな？お父さんのような顔かな？私のような髪かな」って考えていました。私は心の中に喜び歌いだしました。赤ちゃんの命は神様からもらったので、よくお祈りし続きました。

赤ちゃんの健康状態につぃて、医者に診てもらえました。その結果、赤ちゃんは七週間らしいと言われました。ところが、十週間たったころ月経がやってきました。赤ちゃんがお腹にいるはずなのに。次に医者から聞かされたニュースを信じられませんでした。赤ちゃんの鼓動（ハートビット）はもう止まっていました。まだ会えないままなのに、もういなくなってしまいました。もし自分の体をもっと大切にしていたら、赤ちゃんが元気でいたかもしれません。妊娠に早く気がついたら、赤ちゃんの鼓動が止まらずに行き続きただろう。誕生の予定月は主人の誕生月だったのに。赤ちゃんの生存は母親である私に大いに依存していたのに。私は自分をせめました。

私は亡くなった赤ちゃんのことが忘られませんでした。どうやったら子供に失った私の深いさびしさを計ることができるでしょうか。そのときは苦しかったです。すぐ忘れられと思っていましたが、思い出したとき、後悔して泣いてしまいました。

それから、体のほうは回復しました。思い出したとき、前歩ほど気持ちが落ち込まなくなりましたが、たまにさびしいと思うこともあります。

もう二年間がたちました。やはり時間はすべてのきずを癒してくれました。よかったです。

バハイ クボ

フィィリピンは南東アジアにある熱帯の国です。「バハイクボ」というのは、小さい家と言う意味で、大衆の家です。野原の中も海も見えます。

普通の家は二階建てです。1階には豚や鶏などがいます。家の周りに野菜や果物などの色々な植物があります。家の前に花が植えてあります。上階には住まいです。ベッドルームと居間はかべで分かれています。建て方は簡単で使う材料は安いものです。屋根とかかべの材料はココナッツの葉で、家の四つ角や床などは竹です。作るときは、近所の人が力を借ります。立て終わるまで家族みたいに一緒にがんばってやります。

熱帯の国ですから、二つ季節があります。夏のとき、本当に暑くなっても家の中はまだ涼しいです。竹のかべの間から外の空気が入ります。やはり昼ごはんの後で眠くなりやすいです。雨季のとき、雨水が屋根から地面に落ちる様子を窓から見るのはおもしろいです。そして、家を出た子供たちが川みたいな雨水に紙の船をうかべて遊びます。台風が一年に何回もいつでも来ますが仕方がありません。家が倒れないように、皆が四角を大きいえだで支えます。

皆、歩いている家は見たことがありますか？昔、引っ越しすると言うのは本当に言えを新しい場所に動かすことでした。道の中に人の足が百本ぐらい虫の足見たに歩いている家が見えます。皆のうでで家を運んで、力を貸してくれます。笑顔も見えます。ですから、皆に協力してもらうは「バヤにハン」と言う特別な言葉になりました。

「バハイ　クボ」は小さい家で簡単な生活ですが、皆がいつでも何回でも協力してくれろので、いい習慣です。

以上

この書いた作文は「日本語の第一番文法試験」です。四月二十七日にスピーチのテーマです。

Alternate route

It is quite some time that I don`t have a permanent job. My husband and I were trying and studying the alternatives that we have as we need to survive and float during the current downturn of this economic recession.

Hard to adjust on the first months of my ineffectivity, I rose from self destructive tasks of doing nothing into something that is worthwhile. For the past months, I learned how to be a more efficient homemaker. It is really not an easy job doing household chores and keeping balances at home.

I learned how to cook and at least on my husband`s very selective taste, I think I passed. The meals that previously seem complicated to cook now are thing of the past – kaldereta, kare-kare, afritada, lechon kawali, ginata, biko, paksiw, sisig…  I am still learning, but I am finding the fulfilment in the kitchen.

Probably one of the good turns of being unemployed, is being forced how to spend wisely. With some girlfriends toying, I learned where to find cheaper dress for Yen210! And patience, my dear,  to wait for the seasonal community bazar that comes every quarter where we can find clothes or other things for a hundred yen. Other than that,  we usually do it as an exercise to walk long to Marushu in Edogawa Bashi or ,  to Ueno or  Nakano for the grocery. It is my ’small happiness’ to collect our 500 yen and save it on our coin bank.

We still have some room for our self-gratification from time to time though, if we find something that we really fancy to have.  Like, he bought two pairs of shoes for himself. While, I found a very good SLR Canon Camera — the last of its model but I can work on it, for less than half ot its original price. (Hahaha! I can still imagine my husband in amazement that I bought it inspite of the “hardfreeze” situation. I just comforted him that that camera was a good buy and I would stop buying gadgets for the meantime, until I found a more stable job.

For the next quarter, I will be studying Japanese in order to speak and communicate effectively with the locals. This is also on my preparation for Nihongo Proficiency Level 2 exam by December. It really slashed something from our savings but I know we will benefit from it in a longer term.  More on it, I thank God He allowed me to get the morning class. That means I can have a better chance of finding a parttime job from afternoon onwards.

I may not be having more pay for my known career,  and I know this stage will soon come to pass. What I know about My Author is that HE just allow me to try the other side of the story and see that there is always a beauty in it.  I feared losing job and finding myself digging into self-pity; but I realized life is more than that. Life is more than the four walls of the office. He is teaching me what balance is all about.

And though this is the time that I cant bring more money in the table, I can also say that this is the time that I learn and am learning more things of better value.

Unmatched

How will you handle being unemployed in the midst of a deep global recession?

I have been actively looking for a job for the past two months but to no avail. I already sent my resume to all known jobhunters in Tokyo but it seemed that my experiences were not capable of landing to a just and right job. It is disheartening when you fail so many times. I have two job interviews today but I am still not sure of its outcome. The first interview requires a technical skill that I am not yet aware of. And the second interview  give a good hand on my technical and professional background, though a confused look on my Japanese proficiency. Yeah I know.  I have to assess and look deeply inside me to check the things I am missing. I am in Japan and it is natural for me to study Nihongo and be conversant at least. I am learning. Really trying to learn.

Looking deeply into it, I know in these times, employers are trying to get the best out of evey possible job applicant. Since there are several unemployed like me, the competition has become at its steepest.

I don’t know now what lies ahead. I tried my best. And still it seems not to work.

Probably I should admit that it just doesn’t fit now. Probably it is just I am trying to put in a different piece to a puzzle. And probably I should just stop trying, and try learning to wait.  How will you have patience when all things are not working properly? And I am already almost near to my deadline.

I don’t want to say sayonara to Tokyo yet. I am not yet prepared to go home and land on the same situation and face a grimmer face of reality.

Discouraging. Disheartening. Depressing.

Reflections from domesticating

I have tried a new sideline, too unrelated to my previous job but too near and familiar for an overseas pinoy worker : cleaning houses.

A pinay neighbor gave me the work as a reliever while she is vacationing in the Philippines. I accepted the challenge though I know I had not been physically active. This week is my first week, but I tell you, it is indeed a daunting task.

I am servicing two big houses, one for a Japanese family and another for a French family. For a Japanese house, every area seems functional and usually involves more doors and corridors. The walkways are also slim. Maybe because they are living there for generations and their personal things have been piling up, almost losing its art  and style.

The house of the French family is a beauty to behold. She has a very spacious living room, three actually. One is like an office-entertainment room where her children freely roam. It is connected to the main living room where a fireplace is kept. Then there is this another spacious room beside it that can be used as an activity room. All those three rooms are interconnected and only sliding doors divide it. You can see the garden on that side of the house since it only has glass doors. Most of her furnitures are made of wooden materials, some tables realy look antique. Her kitchen is also spacious and the dining room is separated by a cupboard. Another room is connected to the kitchen where she does her own laundry.

The boys from the Japanese family are quiet and seems to be more tamed. Most of their times are spent watching TV and playing computer games. While, the french children are more active. They have a lot of toys – puzzles, pikachu, robots, all kinds of animals, dragons and castles and even trains and automobiles. Since their house is very spacious, they run from time to time.

Most of the Filipino children in the family or ‘class’ I come from had not much of these luxury.  Compared to my childhood life, nothing much came close.

From houses to lifestyles, an average Filipino has many things missing. Sometimes, I really do ask questions and some realities are still puzzling.  You cannot choose your bithplace nor your citizenship, right? If you were born as a Filipino, what is the thing you can be proud of?

I have now a better understanding why there are many overseas worker who ended up migrating to richer countries. Even if it means separation from their own loved ones. The place a migrate worked has become his comfort zone. Living in a richer country gives you a greater benefit – a safer place to live in,  efficient transport access, very efficient government service such as healthcare, childcare, and other work related benefits, and even comfortable and cheaper living expenses. (I say, “cheaper living expenses” in a richer country because your salary can actually cover for those expenses and you can still send money to the Philippines!).

Since I don`t have anymore use here and my visa is to expire, I am heading back to my Philippines. How I wish I can have all those freebies while living in Tokyo -  the 50MBps unlimited broadband and wi-fi internet access, the ontime bus and train transport system, cold weather (though I always complain about it!), and the life I live with my husband (he is staying longer here).

Maybe God just gave me another chance to live this kind of comfortable life. It is enough that I have stayed this far. I have learned the things I have to learn and I need to move on.

Alright, everyone is a nomad. Everyone has to move. And I am obliged to do it.

PS. Dont get me wrong- I love being Pinoy. I observe and respect Philippine laws, and each blood running on my veins tells me I am. It is just I hope that someday, the basic access I had in Tokyo can be met by every Filipino living in the Philippines. Every Filipino…