A day of waiting

Blissfully married for four years now, I have learned that love is of a commitment and not of a feeling of that frenzy happiness that you wish not to end.

We have been waiting for the day that the Lord will soon bless us with His very Gift to our union, a child. Somebody told me that some people waited for ten years before the baby comes in. We are now into four. And it is not an easy pain to feel the weight every single day, that you fall into your knees, your thoughts to God, with a feverish pain of waiting. Asking. Longing. Crying. Pleading. “LORD, please give us the gift we have been waiting and dreaming of.”

I am not sure how long shall I wait. But I feel so weak and discouraged thinking about it. People may not see that I am hurting inside already. And my husband too. I just hope the baby can come soon so we can start a new chapter of our lives, as being parents and feel the blissful life a baby could bring.

Lord, shorten the time Lord of our waiting. Please give me one child. Only one.
Thank you.

Waiting

Another Christmas. Another season have passed. I can’t but control being melancholic about my current relationships.

A friend told me she feels alone in the crowd, and she cannot help but be one. Being alone, or maybe the right word, loneliness drives a woman to a helpless feeling of being unwanted. She indeed feels being unloved so many times, when she is in the ocean of couples seemingly happy and contented with their lives for having each other. There are times she feel the envy and agony of it, and can’t help asking God why wait for a long time when your spirit and your heart is yearning for “God’s perfect gift”.

Likewise, it is never right to just get hitched for the sake of having a companion. It doesn’t do any good otherwise and I see people rushing things and letting their uncontrolled emotions roll, and later on, feel the heavy burden of continuing the relationship. I, can say honestly that they should just let themselves be alone, and find their interests and what triggers their “happy state” of mind. More, it is a single’s life blessing to explore a seemingly infinite possibilities: career, interests, hobbies, or even your own devotion or ministry.

And for the married woman that I am, I thought companionship can buy you happiness as well. As a woman who has been shaped by God with so many emotions running on her system, there are times that I still feel alone, unwanted, and unhappy. It is not because my husband have never been there with me, but because, I have been trying to find and see things incomplete and I really do feel unsatisfied.

Being a woman, my mind and heart is telling me that I am already missing motherhood. At the bottom of my being, every woman feels the need to nurture a child and it is true that I feel the pressure of having not one yet until now. Four years passed, and I am already passed with my thirty years. I really wanted to have a baby and each day it has been nagging  me, like a cross to carry, like a dagger in heart.

I know God sees through my being and He knows what is best. I know I have to wait. Intellectually I fully understand. In my head, it is already settled that I need to wait.But until now, the heart is so deceitful. It seems not to rest, always finding, always looking for something that will make you feel unloved, unsatisfied, incomplete, hopeless and desperate.

Desperate. This is what I am now. I sometimes do not understand why the waiting period, and if waits, why it is so long? I know in my heart that what I am thinking is not right. In a culture where I belong, having kids seems to complete you as a woman. And still pressure builds in, each day, each moment.

Oh my Lord, why do I need to wait long? Why is it that there are couples who have unwanted pregnancies due to financial reasons but still you bless them with more, and there are like us who are willing but still waiting?

But Lord, be it unto me. According to your plans, according to your promises.  I will wait for You Lord this time.

Intercession

I have been taught that intercession is one of the basic duties of a Christian. There are many passages in the Bible teaching the importance of it. Even if there are stories of men of God, praying for God’s blessings or delays of wrath  or for a speedy healing, it never dawned on me until recently.

While I was teaching to my pre-school kids/students, one of them just snapped out and told us he would no longer   do the activity tasked for the day.  (He got pissed off with a year-old kid walking in front of him and he could not concentrate looking at the blackboard where I wrote his name.) It was one of the tantrums-phase I usually encountered on a day’s work. Other kids had become suddenly aware of the little tension that started.  Doing the child-talk, I told them I do not want to teach them English and I will be on leave tomorrow if they do not like it. His twin sister suddenly cried silently, but continually scribbling her name on her paper. I thought that she must be hurt as well since I was having a fight with her twin brother.  Asked her, and she replied, “先生、私は良く頑張っているよ。明日も英語をやりたいから、明日も一生にやるね。”　（Teacher, I am trying my best writing my name on the paper. Please let us study English tomorrow.） It was honestly a sweet request and my voice softened. I assured her that we will be having English class the following day.

Being put on the other shoes, I understand what intercession is all about. I saw God’s point of view in the matter and how He honors the prayers of His beloved. I may not understand it fully before, as they said, that I do not have kids yet. But when your children are crying to you, there is no way that you will not be moved.  I recalled so many times in my life that I cried to my father. And father did something to ease the pain.

Now I do more appreciate the value of intercession. It only shows how God is merciful and graceful to the people He have called His own.  And how He tasked His children to pray and intercede for the souls lost whom He wants to reach out.

Thank you Lord, my God, for opening my eyes on the matter.

Post-note:

On Sodom and Gomorrah’s fate, Abraham negotiated for their salvation with God. For the sake of fifty righteous people, God told Abraham that he would withhold his wrath. Negotiations were done from fifty to forty-five, down to thirty, twenty, and last, ten. If there were only at least ten righteous people living in the city, God would spare. For the sake of His beloved…

Reference: Genesis 18:23-33

Requiem

I had been out of my hometown since fifteen and have been going round and round. Though I had been into so many places after some time, a trip to my hometown will always be an exciting reunion. To see the familiar faces, the warm smile of my father, the anticipation of my grandparents and seeing the whole family. And I must admit just recently that it is also my neighbors that I really look forward to see.

My heart cries out  as we lost a neighbor-friend. I never thought that I will be affected as much as I am today. Learning the news about her passing made me think of our lives  mortal. My heart was wrenched at the thought of going home without seeing her the next morning, while we used to exchange our pleasantries. Her house is directly in front our house, that is why from time to time, I usually go and do a little chat with her.

My three-year-old niece will definitely miss her. Every morning when my niece wakes up, she used to call her name and her husband’s name to invite to eat. I also heard from my sister that the kids at my neighborhood are looking for her, as apparently, she had become their second-mama.

She just lived a life of peace, everyday living selflessly to serve her family.

My sisters and I agreed that we will miss her more on Christmas and New Year’s eve, as we already accustomed to go to her house to eat the Media Noche; and watch the fireworks display from there.

Her voice is distinct and I want to remember her as is.

When we lost our mother, we were spared from pain as we did not know how much painful it was to lose a loved-one. God is definitely wise that He had attuned a child’s  emotion and memory very short that we were oblivious to it.

The wiser and older you become, the more painful and extremer your emotions will be. I am still amazed that I am indeed hurting at her passing. Maybe it is because I understand clearly now how much she will be missed by her children and her husband. We were there before. And I saw how my father grieved for her loss. I witnessed how much my father cried and called her in the night. Desperately. That was the time you wished that tomorrow would just be yesterday, and today would stop before that happen.

Though all things said and done, God is still sovereign. We may not understand but God is in control. I may be swayed by what I feel, but God knows how, why, when.

Each death always remind me of how short really life is. Our days are measured, every part of our lives known. I remembered from the book of Ecclesiastes when King Solomon contemplates about life. He saw that everything in life was meaningless. When it was measured, everything is just vanity.

And thus the conclusion of our lives, though really short, is nothing if ours will just end from here.

When I think of my mother, I think of her in heaven. I foresee the marvelousness of God, all the wonderful things He has done for you, for me.

And I want to think of my neighbor-friend like that, from now on. One day, when all hurts and pains diminish, we will see again, on other place and other time. When God permits, one day I can chat with her again.

O my heart I am telling you, you shall be more than glad today. For she will go on the place before us, where she will not feel anymore pain and suffering, all peace, quiet and lovely, loving the lover of our souls.

Random Thoughts

Random thoughts about me.

1. I am bum with some style, sometimes a teacher, most of the times a housewife. I temporary gave up my career of at least ten years to focus on my marriage.
2. Each time I move to a new place, I look for a Filipino community and definitely a Christian church. I found security by being at peace with what I believe. The safest place is to see the same believers meeting on Sunday in order to receive the spiritual bread from JC.

3. I married my first crush. He is really from Mars, I am from Jupiter.  But after three years of wedded bliss, of confrontations and adjustments, we blend the way a coffee blends with cream.

4. My current daily task is to cook: just in time before my husband arrives from work and is expected to be very tired and hungry; and just in time before he wakes up after a good sleep.

5.  I love going to sento or japanese public baths: in other words, skinny dipping. Because winter is bitingly cold, my safe recluse is going to sento.   Soaking your body to a temperature of 45C definitely relieves the daily tension.

6. When I was in elementary, I was once a Choir member. Back then, my teacher told me to lip synch during the competition hahaha! Anyway, I was good in playing a stringed instrument named octavina and learned it at nine. Back then when I hum a melody, I could identify the notes and could play those instantly.  My love for music was initiated by my then teacher who had become my life-time mentor (bless his soul! RIP Sir Rolle)

7. I am uniquely and fearfully made. My college professor told me I was an X-men. I have congenital issues: one kidney and two-bodied uterus. Common notion is that I could have twins, but it is not so.

8. I got pregnant and learned it at ten weeks delayed, had lost my baby at week 12. I went back from Nagoya to Manila, clouded with the knowledge that he had no heartbeat.  It took me at least three months of grieving. That was one of the painful memories that I do not want to remember, next to the death of my mother.

9. I went to Tacloban without someone from my family knowing it. I stayed there for four days, hopped in to a plane and met my college friends.  I had a tour of the whole Leyte island, two 7-hour jeep ride to and from St. Bernard to meet a friend serving in Red Cross.

10. I cried the very first hour I arrived to my house in Nagoya: first time in my life to live alone. I could not sleep in my first weeks as I was imagining ghosts popping up somewhere. I guess my childhood imagination still runs wild.

11. I hate horror movies the most. I cant understand why some want to go to a movie house only to be terrified.  I go to movies to be entertained and laugh.

12. I have two kids from a different mother. Sometimes I give her money to take care of ‘my’ children. In return, she receives all the love and affection in behalf of me.

13.  I have less than a handful trusted friends. We barely see each other, but we keep on updating from time to time. Those friends I have since grade school. Thanks to technology, we are now facebooking!

14. I am the eldest in the sibling of six. We lost my mother when I was eleven. I had my youngest sister when I was eighteen. She is now in highschool.

15. Until sixteen, we only had one desk fan and one black and our very first white colored TV. We had our first gas stove when I was in second year college. We bought our first refrigerator on my first paychecks.

16. I frequented the library in highschool to read Jean val Jean, Without Seeing the Dawn, and Anne Frank. Other reading assignments, I read the comics version. I love the story of Jan Val Jean, that until now, I dream of watching Les Miserables with Lea Salonga on stage, in Broadway.

17. I love showbiz chikka. I got the habit from a colleague at work. I monitor news at pep.ph. I watch pinoychannel.tv and youtube the most.  Now, my husband gets the showbiz tidbits from me. I got the news from him watching online streaming.

18.  I love Math when I was in college. My first job was teaching Math in the university where I graduated.   I was hooked on proving theorems and solving Mathematical problems. I did it the way how an artist devotes his hands to his painting.

19. I  am raised in home meetings and bible studies. I am still a part of the group that fifteen years ago. Still stronger and expanding. From student groups to multi-churches in the Philippines and across the world.

20. My father is my dearest friend and biggest fan. One thing for sure, his love for us, his children, surpasses time and distance. I love my grandfather second, he is old now but is still strong. Thanks God. I hope I can give him my child while he is still here.

21. I am worst in sports and physical discipline. I want to be of shape but I lack the motivation.

22. I cannot sleep nor cannot go out without having a kiss from my husband.  Force of habit. A kiss may lead to something… (wink wink) ;D

23. I am a dreamer. I have so many things running in my mind, so many times I hoped and wished for something… Maybe if I even reach fifty, I still have so many dreams to pursue.

24. I was once hooked in debt due to credit cards and I am now free from it! Allelujah. Now, I learned how to say no, learned how to wait, and learned the art of satisfying my eyes only…

25. I want to be a mother of a child born from me.  Honestly still dreading the thought of a miscarriage, I still wish, hope, dream, pray that one day I will have a child.  Most of the times it is very disheartening to get a negative pregnancy test. But I am still checking anyway. Who knows, God may some day hear my prayer. And one day, He may just smile at me and say, “I hear you”.

26. After more than a year of bumming, I learned something from myself. In the matters of the heart, I know who and I sometimes blatantly honest with it. In passion and devotion, I know what will make my day everyday. My passion is in programming and I will be always be satisfied for a programming work.

27. I got showbizzy when I was in college. Was the team captain named as “Vivian” (now I remember, what a name!) and won first on Ready Get Set Go of Channel 2.We took home at least P30,000 cash prizes plus appliances. And honestly, just after we left the studio, a segment crew of Channel 2 met us in the corner. He got the P20,000 for the “recruitment fees”.  I got P500.

Got ambush-interviewed by a Channel 2 reporter on “Puso ng Masa” segment of  the daily news (my college friend saw this while he was in Mindanao and he was really amused to see me in national TV. He said it made his day! )

And when I was in highschool, my “loveletter” was read on a national TV complete with my name and address at Channel 7′s Eat Bulaga, for a Del Monte Kitchenomics recipe episode. I got a complimentary recipe book signed by the hosts Mr. Daza and an actress that I cannot remember her name as of this writing.

28. I am a wife. I will be a mother of nation.  I am living a life of abundance. I am always blessed.  I am a blessing. And yes, I am DESTINY.

It is only words.

Everyday is a learned experience for me and my husband. For our two years stay in Tokyo alone together, I think I have known him more. Likewise, he must also have learned something from me, my spur of the moment topak and tantrums. There are some things that we usually do not talk about, especially when those were already agreed upon in the past and were already settled.

For all endeavors that I had taken in my life, marriage is the second biggest one I have embraced so far, next to my conversion of faith to Jesus Christ. I draw strengths from Him who is the Source of power. I must admit most of the times I fall head on, bruising and nursing those bumps.  I had broken some relationships as well and hurt people on the way. I am stubborn, yes I am. I had crossed some lines, sometimes heading on to some confrontations with I thought were my friends, only to clear up the truth…

I am a wife and by any means I have every right to know which are right and wrong. I am a wife and I have the right to protect my territory: especially in the rise of rumors concerning your relationship. WORDS are powerful, the source of life and death. WORDS are the physical manifestations of what you are thinking, feeling. A word released in a negative intention produces a destructive outcome. In short, rumors passed from ear to ear, lips to lips, kill. It shames you, strips you of your reputation which you have tried to protect, and hurts people. IT KILLS RELATIONSHIPS.

I am very sensitive to this. We had been a victim of malicious rumors for some time. Some very grave that it has affected our way of thinking and even our plans. UNTIL NOW.

That is why when I heard a rumor about our relationship, I immediately traced the source. Maybe some are asking why do I need to do it. It is simple. You do not want a nasty rumor to haunt you when you are sleeping. Worse, I do not think you can sleep well when you are sleeping with an enemy.

I have been balancing my act from day 1, checking from time to time the role of a wife and the need for self-respect. HIS Words tell me that I need to cling on to, cleave with my husband and I am obeying. I am here as a follower of Christ, testimony, and servant. So far, GOD has honored my commitment. He has protected our marriage and my husband has been changed to a better man. And seriously, I do not think he has done something in the present that decreases my self-respect.

From the recent event, I learned to protect our privacy. I was very open with our pasts, his background and mine. I had shared this to some fellow believers which I thought could be of help, on our Christian walk together.  I was wrong. Those words came back to me. It had been used against us, and had been an issue of gossip.

I had broken my ties with them. Probably I had hurt them. But they should learn that I am hurting too. Because they were my friends.

So where I am now? My marriage is still intact, happy and blissful. We laugh together on our own mistakes, we learned together.  I do sometimes cry, he stops. A simple sorry does the job, and it  is a start for us to say, “I will be better.”.

And to all my friends affected by this, we are fine. Very fine. I am sorry too if I had hurt you too.

Let us just learn from it. And I hope it will never be repeated. Not just to me but for anyone who you know.

Blessed…

I am blessed. I am. Really.

When God shuts the door, another one will open to let you come.

I asked Him if this is the one. And I tried it.

So far, I seem to hear from Him.

I feel His welcoming embrace.

Welcoming..

Soothing.

Calm.

I am blessed. …

To be in His Center. ..

AGAIN.

I learned.

That when I am already waging war against my so-called-friends, I am doing nothing. My hands are idle and my mind dirtier.

So before the hell bells start to ring, from now on, I will just keep my mouth shut.

Even if that means I was guilty. Even if that means I was not fighting for something that I thought was right.

From now on, I will not stoop down to their level.

And will never think about them anymore. Not anymore.

Winter boots

It was snowing this morning, a very rare sight in Tokyo.

(I am not sure probably due to climate change perhaps, our seasons are getting worse. While I am experiencing a winter chill in Tokyo, my country is now facing a serious threat of another El Nino.)

I thought it would be a heavy snowfall and it was indeed very cold, I quickly put on my winter boots (take note, this is the boots usually used for heavy snow falls like if you would be doing a winter ski activity.).  I knew it was  out-of-sync from the Tokyo fashion that I was aware of, but I just wanted to have my feet warmed while I walk, and not slipped on the snowy road.  (And besides, I did not feel using my boots nor my rubber shoes as my feet were still getting numb-cold.)

So I headed for my part time job .

Ola, and Alas! The sun shone brightest today, after several rainy days The snowfall stopped and it quickly disappeared. It was as if it did not snow at all… Wahuhuhu, I looked like an Eskimo girl walking down the streets in mid-autumn. 恥ずかしい。(Hazukashii, I was really embarassed!).

What else can I do but to walk as if there was nothing uncommon on my get up. I looked at people’s eyes if they had noticed anything uncommon on what I was wearing, but yeah, this is Tokyo. People are already used to non-trendy or trendy out-of-the planet styles. And I could just be one of them today.

Am relieved to see the day is over and am happily going home unnoticed. Yehey, the freedom of being a nobody in a foreign country.

Reaching home, I thought I could escape from my Pinoy friends’ notorious eyes. But, just as I entered the building, two of my Pinoy friends saw me and asked, I was really get up for the winter! (Going in Hokkaido? or Hakone perhaps?)

Just had a good laugh of it.

Next time, I will remember I am still in Tokyo. And I must remember, snowfall is very rare.

The winter boots is for winter ski, or going to wet market like Ueno.

Change is permanent

I lost my part time job last Friday.

Well, my companion whom I expected to feel sad as I was, upon learning the news, made a hearty laugh out of it.  Not all jobs fit you, even if it seems so simple and *easy*. Change is permanent, and anyone can replace you at any moment. It is indeed funny. I am not born to work for it.
Cheesy as it is, he assured me that he never obligated me to work, or even work more. I could do whatever I please and he would just do his part to provide.  Oh, what a soothing balm to my bruised pride. *Sigh*

Lord, thank you for the change you have given us. Thank you very much as your words are permanent. And truthful at all times. I will claim it and cling to it…