Unmatched

How will you handle being unemployed in the midst of a deep global recession?

I have been actively looking for a job for the past two months but to no avail. I already sent my resume to all known jobhunters in Tokyo but it seemed that my experiences were not capable of landing to a just and right job. It is disheartening when you fail so many times. I have two job interviews today but I am still not sure of its outcome. The first interview requires a technical skill that I am not yet aware of. And the second interview  give a good hand on my technical and professional background, though a confused look on my Japanese proficiency. Yeah I know.  I have to assess and look deeply inside me to check the things I am missing. I am in Japan and it is natural for me to study Nihongo and be conversant at least. I am learning. Really trying to learn.

Looking deeply into it, I know in these times, employers are trying to get the best out of evey possible job applicant. Since there are several unemployed like me, the competition has become at its steepest.

I don’t know now what lies ahead. I tried my best. And still it seems not to work.

Probably I should admit that it just doesn’t fit now. Probably it is just I am trying to put in a different piece to a puzzle. And probably I should just stop trying, and try learning to wait.  How will you have patience when all things are not working properly? And I am already almost near to my deadline.

I don’t want to say sayonara to Tokyo yet. I am not yet prepared to go home and land on the same situation and face a grimmer face of reality.

Discouraging. Disheartening. Depressing.

Thin line

Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again – this is the brave and happy life.

J. E. Buchrose

There is a very thin line between loving a person and respecting oneself. You cannot love your partner if you cannot respect yourself. It is better to lose love than losing your self worth.

They say it comes with a price. Yeah, everything comes with a price. I hope he will see me my worth when there is all the time to see it. I may just lost it, and fade a way.

I remember a friend who had advised me to love the person who loves me more. Better to marry the man who cannot broke my heart, able to give his heart, and not hurting my very heart. I missed the mark. I definitely missed the mark. Even if the events, time, and all Words were shouting at me not to, I still did it. For possibly a very big misconception about loving and living. On my part. On what I believe was pure and honest.

Maybe, just maybe. A wife is supposed to be emotionally stronger than her husband. I now can identify it, and can relate to it. For a woman hides a thousand bruises and a million pain. And still can impart words of wisdom, composure of peace, a warm comfort, and an undaunting grace under pressure. She hids and cries alone at night, grieving, fighting, surrendering to the ONE who had created her.

To the woman He said, “I will greatly multiply your sorrow…” Genesis 3:16

Dear God, why should a woman cover her husband`s heart? Why should she holds the key and not the other way around? She cries and yet she is strong indeed. She worries a lot and yet, she can give comforting words for her child.

The road to glory is a road of many trials and hurdles. I thought it was the roadmap only for getting success in life. But for every aspect of life, be it in richness, glory and love, the roads are always not smooth.

I still do not know. But perhaps, maybe. I dont want to say though. But as I remember my departed mother, crying for the many regrets she had on having him as her husband, I hope not the same fate lands in me. Probably she was crying because she was a woman, and God made woman a spring of so many emotions. And it was only a manifestation of my nature.

But honestly, I become so tired and surrendered so many times. You wanted to be strong because you wanted to keep the vow. And not to break it.

But what will you do, if the one who supposed to keep it, always find a way to test it?

Maybe I will just slip away. And hope and pray that I maybe just having a very bad dream.

And I hope I will wake up someday. Someday. Someday.

 

 

 

Be Still….

Dear God,

Two years after my wedding vows.

Year 2009. The year started with me losing my job.  It was a sign of relief somehow, of a very high pressured working environment I had with a global company. Two weeks after my cessation of working contract, I felt that I am now into a period of professional bumming. I sleep without any time to follow, cook for our daily meals as my main daily task  and think and wander for the rest of the days…

Job hunting has been very hard these days as companies after companies freeze hire as the mildest attack to persistent global crisis, while recessions are more rampant side by side.  So I am now left with the things I don’t know in the first place how to start with.

Lord, I want a job for sure as I want to contribute to our target life savings. But I honestly accept this period of waiting in my life, more than ever, if this means a great time preparing for my next baby Lord.

Lord, I have not known yet what your plans for me. And I am honestly anxious about it. As my visa is coming for expiration some months from now, please LORD, I dont know how to act on it.

Father, please just be my GOD and my MASTER. Please give me a hearing ear to hear your voice and listen to your very heart.

I don’t know what to do now. I am impatient and worrisome.

Teach me how to be still… and know that YOU are my GOD.

A Farewell Note

I cannot explain myself now that I only have two Mondays left staying in Nagoya. My mind has not been made up to go back home since this has been an abrupt change of plans. Yes of course I am excited to see my old friends and families who never failed to miss me. But Nagoya had become my home for more than a year: I already made some friends and family members.

While I pack my things for shipping, my only Filipina buddy naturally felt sad about it. Another one buddy will leave her. But I know she is strong and surely her emotional downturns will soon be gone. I will not be able to see for the meantime my new friend and chatmate in Tokyo who I found so funny. Our difference in personalities and status intrigued me. And my friend in school will definitely miss my calls. On a lonely planet such as Japan, we relived, shared, and just chat for hours the memories, everyday experiences of a gaijin (foreigner), and the emotional struggles we face being away from our families.

I have a busy schedule for my last two weeks: finishing my JG Level in Nihongo on Tuesday, washing the carpet and a general cleaning of my apartment, cleaning my desk and deleting my files in the computer and saying goodbye to friends. Though no work is assigned to me for the past weeks and it made me a non-performing slave worker, my free time is bombared with Sayounara Party of friends who had made my stay of worthy accord somehow.

This journey had been a journey to my inner self. Being a melancholic as I am, I enjoyed being alone and at the same time hated it. I faced the demons in my mind and was able to silenced it. I honed my skills in writing. And I was able to identify my weaknesses and strengths.

At the end of my self-exodus, what matters to me now is how to live a life in the eyes of my Creator: I gave up this so I could live with my purpose.

It will never be a sayounara for the friends I made in Nagoya. Maybe someday, God will bring me back to this place. But I will also make it sure, it will be for the best of my new family.

Journey to the Unknown with a Promise

 

(Interpretation from Pastor Ninio’s preaching during the 1st Church Anniversary of ICF Kita, Nagoya)

If sometime you found yourself an urging to do a thing for the first time without any hint of its outcome, what would you feel? Will you feel fear, excitement or anxiety? What if you were asked to get out from your comfort zone without any assurance of comfort but left only with a promise, will you dare do at least a single step? “I am but a small child Lord. I cannot speak.(Jeremiah 1:6)” these are the words of the prophet Jeremiah. It is usually at first that the man sees himself being small in the presence of a certain God. We see our insecurities big and we see our God small. Changing our paradigm and seeing the wonders God had made in the lives of His people ahead of us, we can find ourselves excited and our future promising. We see our lives in the palm of His Hands. We see our God holding us, and not us holding into our own dear lives.

In our Christian walk, we will always find ourselves called for so many times to a place we never thought of. Sometimes the new journey is painful for us, as we have to leave friends behind, be away from the family, or be uncomfortable with new things, and letting go of our own dreams and may require certain sacrifices that are costly for us. Why do He usually do it? We wonder why. Because God will always be concerned of our character than our comfort. He will usually ask us to step out of our own-made boxes and dare to trailblaze a new path if not for our own life’s fulfillment but at least for His purpose. Why do God always ask us to do something that we thought at first we cannot? It is because God wants to challenge our faith in Him and He wants to fulfill His promises in our lives. By journeying into the unknown, we are stripping off of our pride and self-preservation tactics and allowing God’s hands to do the wonders that our eyes may have not yet seen. Through this, we allow God to move. We allow Him to manifest. We let Christ increase and we let the old man in us decrease (and stayed crucified).

At first, going out of our comfort zone has never been comfortable and may not be enjoyable for a fact. Some may mock us, worst, may mock our God for doing so, while they see things in a worldly manner. While in journey, we must always fix our eyes to Him and acknowledging that our identity will never be in conformity with this world. If we could only see with the eyes of faith, we will realize that going out beyond is setting a journey to the heart of our own Creator. To God’s own promises. To God’s own heartbeat.

The walk requires trust, obedience and prayer. These three are characters of the Spirit, ever depending on the unlimited Source whose name is God. “TRUST in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not into your own understanding. ” (Proverbs 3:5). Trusting God strips us of our selfishness and pride. We unclothe ourselves from fear and clothe ourselves with trust. Just like our forefathers Abraham, he set into a journey to a two-fold promise: that through him will birth a great nation and God will give him the blessings of an everlasting covenant. (Genesis 17:4-7).

There are two attitudes on serving the Lord. Just for a reality check, the first one is the “IF” attitude: “If ..(given condition), then I will serve the LORD. “ The second one, is the “EVEN IF” attitude: “Even if..(given condition), then I will serve the Lord”. The former trusts himself while the latter trusts his Creator. The first one glorifies thy self while the latter one glorifies our God. You see the difference, the ends are the same as you are still serving the Lord, the difference is to whom do you put your trust into?

OBEDIENCE matters to God, for obedience is better than any sacrifice (Isaiah 15:22). King Saul disobeyed God’s commandment and instead pursued to bring burnt offerings and sacrifices before Him. As a result, God removed his kingship and authority. For King Saul feared more of his people than fearing His Creator. His dream to be a great king became his god. His dream becomes his idol before our God. Our Father will never be pleased with our offerings if we cannot do the things He specifically instructed us to do. Obedience leads us to humility, submitting our own will to His will. Thus, the second self-check question is, “your will or His will?”

PRAYER changes us, it leads us to the place where God wants us to go. Our mind is a battleground where the will of the Spirit wrestles with the will of the enemy and our own. In prayer, we allow God to talk to us as He step by step directs our walk to the journey that we are set. We clear our communication lines and hear the voice of God audibly. In prayer, we allow the will of God to birth in our own lives. We allow miracles to happen. In prayer, we hear God’s voice as we accept His dealings. “Whose voice are you heeding to? To check, pray.”

At the end of our own journey, we are making God pleased with the works of His Hands in our lives as we can see Him saying, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.. Come and share your master’s happiness!” (Matthew 25:21). At the end of our journey, it is not anymore our own comforts that matter, but it is in knowing that God has been pleased because we obey. And we see a smile in the face of our own Father as He sweetly says, “You are the apple of My eyes” (Zechariah 2:8).

A treasured possession

Sometimes I caught myself looking and feeling the ring on my fingers. It is just an ordinary ring that can be bought at a cheaper price. My then-fiance bought it at a flea market in Osukan-non the day before our wedding. It was a silver ring with a single white stone carved in a cross like engravings. He said he liked it best for our wedding because the cross symbolizes our common faith to our Lord, Jesus Christ. It was not love at first sight when I first saw it. I dreamed of a ring that is entwined with gold, silver and platinum with a diamond stone in it, and with our names engraved beneath it. But I only saw two wide silver rings usually worn by the punks and pop fashionistas. It never even looked like a wedding ring. But it was the only one that fitted our budget. He just assured me that we would buy a new one once we returned to Manila.

The consul in the embassy who married us advised us not to take away the ring in our fingers, no matter what kind of storms may come our way. We have to wear it as a sign of commitment to the marriage vow we just had promised. On that wedding rite when my new husband put it on my finger, it fitted just right. Along with it was the acceptance of a promise to keep, if not forever but for sure, until the end of my life. It was a feeling of bliss to bestow a life long vow to the man I love all my life.

After sometime, my skin developed a kind of rash, possibly from the encounter of my skin with the metallic kind. I did not took it away though. I feel guilty to take away the ring that reminds me of my husband, just in trade for my own comfort. When he returned to our country, the ring reminded me of my commitment to keep. That this is not anymore just my life alone, but about being with my husband living a life together in union.

There were a time I took it away when we fought about his past entanglements and his inability to deal with reality upfront. I put it on the corner of my headboard never wanting to see it again. I admitted there came a point that I second thought about my marriage vows. “Is it really worth it? Is it good to keep? Is it worth of the sleepless nights and heartaches that I may experience?” But then there I have God, who I promised together with my husband to make this marriage work. I wore it back again reminding that I have a vow to my God. My promise is no longer about being just a wife, but being a Christian at the sight of my Creator.

I had been since a work slave. I found my satisfaction and my accomplishments with it. But it also made us separated. There was a good job offer but it posed a threat on our relationship – I will be separated for long from my husband and I cannot be pregnant at the course of the project. Seeing now the ring in my hands, I ponder much deeper to the possible effects of this offer.

After some months of wearing, my skin gave in to the deep engravings of the ring. The skin beneath it is now whiter than my usual skin color. I noticed that my finger now looks better with it. It fits more perfectly. Taking a glimpse at my wedding ring, I took the job offer away. Of course it hurts me leaving the company I dreamed working with, but I don’t think it will be the same hurt that I will feel should I fail with my married life.

Now, I don’t think it will be better to see my fingers without that ring. After some months, it has been with me battling major decisions in our married life and seeing things through. It will always be in my fingers, and will always be a reminder of comfort and a promise to keep forever. And I think a new set of wedding rings is no more necessary.

When my life is slowly running out…

I took a Tickle Test just recently. It says I am 25% satisfied with my work… Really. I am.

Looking back, and remembering my previous job where I stayed for six fruitful years, I could really say that I was happy staying with them. I was satisfied with my job, had good time with my family, and still could find time for Church activities and my own passion.

A year and a half since then, I find myself trying to fit in into a world less-conversant, divided and indifferent by the language barrier. A year and a half since then, I find myself bored, pitiful, waiting for the time that I could have my own break and be recognized for the skills that I got.

What a pity to remember that just year and a half ago, I was enjoying my work as a programmer, database developer, unit-tester, production support, Systems Analyst con Project leader working hand in hand with my mentor who was very supportive of my own career and family life.

I tried working overseas to check what kind of life was there outside of my own world. Language barrier, the most daunting and un-breakable hedge of my own personal growth, that is, has been my worst enemy. And so my leaders thought of too.

Thank God time is running fast. I am going back towards the end of the year to smell a new fresh start. I hope the new project where I will be set will give me new directions and fresh enthusiasm. I really hope my stay with the company will be worth of their money and worth of my time. I don’t want anymore to stay in a company where my own personal growth perishes.

Still I have two years more in my hand. I hope my remaining stay in the company with respect to the contract that I have with them, will be more meaningful and worth staying for.

For the last part of the Test I just took, I tried to answer the “Should you Go?” Part. And sadly, I answered the inevitable YES to all of those. Here were those questions:

* Do you feel unchallenged or bored at work? Everyone has felt job boredom at some point, but are you dreading getting up every morning to go to work?
* Do you feel out of place or alone at your company?
* Do you feel like your job and happiness are being plagued with office politics?
* Do you feel like your skills are not being utilized to their maximum potential?
* Do you feel that the basic core of the company is at odds with all that you value?

Where is the Love?

by Black Eyed Peas

What’s wrong with the world mama?
People living like aint got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you’re bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that’s exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y’all

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the love2x)

 

 

 

It just ain’t the same all ways have changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don’t belong
Nations dropping bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing suffering
As the youth die young
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy brother
The wars’ going on but the reasons’ undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where’s the love y’all?(I don’t know)
Where’s the truth y’all?(I don’t know)
Where’s the love y’all?

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the lovex2)

 

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I’m getting older y’all people get colder
Most of us only care about money makin
Selfishness got us followin the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what the see in the cinema
Whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, we’re spreading anomosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity
That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feeling under
That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feeling down
It’s no wonder why sometimes I’m feeling under
I gotta keep my faith alive, until love is found

 

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning

 

Where is the love?(fade)

 

Protected: Is it really worth it?

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Missing home

I just came from Hanabi, it is a fireworks display for about 2 hours in Toyotashi in celebration of the Oiden Matsuri. There are many people clad in yukata. People gather together to watch this as a starter event of summer.

Wow, I have been here for two summers and two springs except for a month that I have to come back home. Going back to my apartment, I feel the deep loneliness of the room. I tried to remember the smell of my new-bathed-and-lotioned husband. I try to remember the smiling faces of my neighbor in my province. I miss the easiness of my own culture. I miss home.

I am going back on November, for good is better. I can still wait and I already am looking forward to it. Sure my financial thermometer may register a not so good situation, but I miss home so much. I miss my family.

I have given enough of my time for my own personal pursuit. I have given my all energies in pursuit of my career. Some said I have to prove myself to them before I leave. But I don’t think it is necessary. Time is more important to me. The earlier that I have to set my plans straight, the better it will be for my family.

That is the difference of being committed. I am no longer me alone. My husband and I will work together for the better future ahead of us. It is no longer I that must surface. For one and the same at the sight of GOD and at the sight of the law, I will be working side by my side with my beloved.

Walang iwanan.