I had the privilege to let my mind flow down the memory lane. A small part of my mind rushed through a song my heart learned when it first hid its first object of affection. The song “Somebody” by Depeche Mode had reminded me of him, the love of my youth. Probably I loved because I was in love with the love itself, and the guy just came next. Still hearing the song, all the memories rushed through — t’was an honest and pure affection. As the song died out, so did my memory of him. As much as how much love was given, same had been wasted…probably. It was not him anyway. I was not for him. It was not our time…
Then a run through with some of my past blogs. As a new wife then, my writings were the silent witnesses of the struggles we went through alone, and together. I just realized how much I went through, I never thought how much strength I had to carry on those times. Threatened marriage. First pregnancy. And a miscarriage. Every year was marked with a struggle. Too hard to carry. Yeah I know, diamonds became diamonds when exposed to enermous pressure and dust plus time. With hope and great dependence to the ONE who created us, my husband had become my bestfriend, lover and partner.
Suddenly those trials seemed to stop. But the biggest blow came in. This year. No job. Bum me. Even now. Pity sometimes I do, as I adapt to the new lifestyle after a decade of self independence. As a housewife depending on the means of my partner, it was really difficult. I did not depend to anyone. No work. No opportunity yet. Is it the recession or I am just lazy?
I keep asking myself what should I do next. There are a dozen ideas running through my mind and yet there is nothing tangible in my hands. Like a castle in the cloud. Just a silhouette… Hazy. And weak…
This is my time to unlearn and forget the past. The ugly past and just be proud of the scars it had left. I should be wiser than yesterday.
“Are you still thinking as if you are inside the box?”, God nudged in my mind one time when I was searching for His answer. I was startled by his question, caught red-handed, I did not have an answer.
“What is it Lord that I have to do?“…
“What is it in your hands?“, said God to Moses. “A staff“, his reply.
A staff… Who am I, myself? “Relearn my child. You know the answer.“
I am a clay in my Potter’s hands. I may be broken and tossed in the floor. A clay cannot tell the Potter as to how it shall be used. The Potter has already the idea on His mind. It is not my time… but HIS time.
Towards my real purpose. Not anymore for survival. But for a higher reason…
