An acquaintance had advised me to take the current situation as is, and never took regret checking the past. I have to move on and see what lies ahead. It is hard I tell you. This is indeed the most humbling period of my life.
There were times I just saw myself slipping away in tears; husband looking helpless consoling me that things will be better at least for me. Just take great patience and determination. And bring a greater load of confidence moving on and taking on bolder steps.
The life of a married woman is harder than any other path she had formerly chosen to thread on. It is selfless and requires a great deal of humility. I wept silently as I see my former self slipping away – removing pride, crown, confidence, and other love (ie. “career” and not any third party). From a master of myself stepping into the clothe of servanthood, I trusted God that He is dealing with me rightly and justly. I panted and cried, wept like a child in front of her Father and reasoned as a lawyer in front of the Right Judge.
“Patience my dear, needs time. Time, my child, as I define differ yours.”
“Lord, deal with it swiftly” as I pray.
These days, I am remembering some pillars of faith. I was able to relate to Sarai who laugh in disbelief for the promise of God in her. I could feel Job’s misery when he was asking God for answers, and his mournful surrender when God rebuked him; and I was Eve when God corrected her — “to you woman, your joy shall be for your husband…”
In all things I am dealing right now, I just want to see sometime, that God is pleased with me. I wish Him to tell me that I become a good and faithful servant, and thus I am worthyo to enter His Kingdom, surely, some day…
-written Sept 28, 2009-
