Another Christmas. Another season have passed. I can’t but control being melancholic about my current relationships.
A friend told me she feels alone in the crowd, and she cannot help but be one. Being alone, or maybe the right word, loneliness drives a woman to a helpless feeling of being unwanted. She indeed feels being unloved so many times, when she is in the ocean of couples seemingly happy and contented with their lives for having each other. There are times she feel the envy and agony of it, and can’t help asking God why wait for a long time when your spirit and your heart is yearning for “God’s perfect gift”.
Likewise, it is never right to just get hitched for the sake of having a companion. It doesn’t do any good otherwise and I see people rushing things and letting their uncontrolled emotions roll, and later on, feel the heavy burden of continuing the relationship. I, can say honestly that they should just let themselves be alone, and find their interests and what triggers their “happy state” of mind. More, it is a single’s life blessing to explore a seemingly infinite possibilities: career, interests, hobbies, or even your own devotion or ministry.
And for the married woman that I am, I thought companionship can buy you happiness as well. As a woman who has been shaped by God with so many emotions running on her system, there are times that I still feel alone, unwanted, and unhappy. It is not because my husband have never been there with me, but because, I have been trying to find and see things incomplete and I really do feel unsatisfied.
Being a woman, my mind and heart is telling me that I am already missing motherhood. At the bottom of my being, every woman feels the need to nurture a child and it is true that I feel the pressure of having not one yet until now. Four years passed, and I am already passed with my thirty years. I really wanted to have a baby and each day it has been nagging me, like a cross to carry, like a dagger in heart.
I know God sees through my being and He knows what is best. I know I have to wait. Intellectually I fully understand. In my head, it is already settled that I need to wait.But until now, the heart is so deceitful. It seems not to rest, always finding, always looking for something that will make you feel unloved, unsatisfied, incomplete, hopeless and desperate.
Desperate. This is what I am now. I sometimes do not understand why the waiting period, and if waits, why it is so long? I know in my heart that what I am thinking is not right. In a culture where I belong, having kids seems to complete you as a woman. And still pressure builds in, each day, each moment.
Oh my Lord, why do I need to wait long? Why is it that there are couples who have unwanted pregnancies due to financial reasons but still you bless them with more, and there are like us who are willing but still waiting?
But Lord, be it unto me. According to your plans, according to your promises. I will wait for You Lord this time.
