Thin line

Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again – this is the brave and happy life.

J. E. Buchrose

There is a very thin line between loving a person and respecting oneself. You cannot love your partner if you cannot respect yourself. It is better to lose love than losing your self worth.

They say it comes with a price. Yeah, everything comes with a price. I hope he will see me my worth when there is all the time to see it. I may just lost it, and fade a way.

I remember a friend who had advised me to love the person who loves me more. Better to marry the man who cannot broke my heart, able to give his heart, and not hurting my very heart. I missed the mark. I definitely missed the mark. Even if the events, time, and all Words were shouting at me not to, I still did it. For possibly a very big misconception about loving and living. On my part. On what I believe was pure and honest.

Maybe, just maybe. A wife is supposed to be emotionally stronger than her husband. I now can identify it, and can relate to it. For a woman hides a thousand bruises and a million pain. And still can impart words of wisdom, composure of peace, a warm comfort, and an undaunting grace under pressure. She hids and cries alone at night, grieving, fighting, surrendering to the ONE who had created her.

To the woman He said, “I will greatly multiply your sorrow…” Genesis 3:16

Dear God, why should a woman cover her husband`s heart? Why should she holds the key and not the other way around? She cries and yet she is strong indeed. She worries a lot and yet, she can give comforting words for her child.

The road to glory is a road of many trials and hurdles. I thought it was the roadmap only for getting success in life. But for every aspect of life, be it in richness, glory and love, the roads are always not smooth.

I still do not know. But perhaps, maybe. I dont want to say though. But as I remember my departed mother, crying for the many regrets she had on having him as her husband, I hope not the same fate lands in me. Probably she was crying because she was a woman, and God made woman a spring of so many emotions. And it was only a manifestation of my nature.

But honestly, I become so tired and surrendered so many times. You wanted to be strong because you wanted to keep the vow. And not to break it.

But what will you do, if the one who supposed to keep it, always find a way to test it?

Maybe I will just slip away. And hope and pray that I maybe just having a very bad dream.

And I hope I will wake up someday. Someday. Someday.

 

 

 

my very first snow

it was snowy friday, my very first snow experience. my neighbor called us in a loud voice informing us that it was snowy outside. i ran in excitement, smiled and laughed at the very first bursts of crushed ice falling from the sky.

“wow, ang galing!” i called my husband and we both were amazed in wonder. we took our first shots with the falling snow in the background. it was jiterry cold and with all our might, we watched in silence.

i was just really happy to see my first snow. two years ago, i was here in japan anticipating it, but failed on seeing it. i waited this long, and how lovely it was. it was worth the wait…

seems like a child…
you know how it feels like when you are having your very firsts.
first pet, first field trip, first dance, first crush, first love, first kiss, yup –first paycheck!
first visit to dentist, first goodbye, first heart break, first failed subject, first termination at work.
the firsts always impact you the most, and indeed, very emotionally taxing or exhilirating.

that is why im enjoying the moment now.
for i know, if it snows again tomorrow, i may just ignore it .
and i may already lost the happiness felt by a heart of a child.

Bumming beautifully

These are the longest days I am bumming: literally having no idea what to expect next, what to do next, no plans, no tasks, no goals… I am now at my weakest points: looking at me, the inside me.

Boring. Procrastinating. Thinking bum.

But these days I seem to be more human: a normal human being. I am now becoming a liability of the japanese government, receiving unemployment benefits. Must really be good living in a first world country. You do your duties, they will do theirs. These I definitely cannot avail from my homecountry, even if a third of my whole paycheck for at least a decade went to taxes and the government.

Two months I only was busy thinking: worrying about the stock quotations at the world market, monitoring news at bloomberg and Wall Street. As negative readings mean worst economic condition, not just in America but anywhere else in the world. Where shall I go? Not just thousands, hundred thousands of us, looking for jobs, desperately trying to jump on the next possible seat.

I am already thinking of changing my career for the moment: trying my luck into Language teaching, but still of no joy yet. Good intentioned advise was to try domestic helping, just to survive and have someone give me a visa to stay longer. (Latter one really hurts my pride, and honestly not good for my career move.) I would love to try teaching as this has been my honest dream when I was younger, tried it and I did enjoy it. I still cannot try to see myself doing the household stuffs as I am not good on it. I cannot even organize my own clutter. As to the Filipina neighbors I have now, my house seems the most messy.

Out of the bumming tasks, I faced myself and realized the skills set I still lack: I badly need Nihongo fluency in order to survive, aside from the continuous technical upgrades I need. Working in the IT industry demands a continuous change: much like the laptops and gadgets which models change every month.

At the third decade of my life, I still have so many dreams that tingles my cerebral part. I have not taken MBA yet, not much ventured into business, not have shared the things I learned and passed to the students, not have traveled the Philippines and East Asia nor tried child rearing. The most is doing the very reason of my existence: what God is telling me to do.

I thanked God for allowing me to have time to the task I am most comfortable with and missed much: cell meeting! I miss my girlfriends back in Manila where we grow old together lovingly and beautifully for God’s glory. I miss our weekly talks that our spirits direly need. This year, I have new set of girlfriends to live by. Attending the bible study with them is much fun, and I am now assigned to prepare the lessons/ readings for the weekly meeting. This I love much and I am grateful to share my experience, joy, thoughts to the women who long to know Jesus more. There is really not much compared of having one love, one heart, one mind when you speak about Christ. You laugh, you cry, you smile, amazed and appalled that the things happen to you happen to them as well. Amazing when you learned that Jesus is working in each of our lives.

My bumming days is giving me the chance to trail back the long road forgotten. I have been living down my memory lane, thinking back how far I have gone, right or wrong. Time for assessing our plans, our tools, our weaknesses as much as our strengths. Time for dreaming, planning, goal setting, praying, hoping, loving, smiling…and reliving and feeling that our God has been very good all of these days. Most even now, during the global recession

I am honestly worried because I don’t seem to accomplish anything. But I am not worried where God leads me to it. He was the one who directed fate to bring me here, He will also be in charge of taking us next.

These bumming days are just a relief, a time out I badly need from the high pressured environment of a corporate world.

I love working definitely. But sometimes like these, I love just speaking to myself, and my Jesus.

For sir Emy Rolle

I learned to love music through him. I was in Grade 5 when there was a Rondalla team to be organized in my school in Dalahican. We were the pioneers.

Sir Emy taught us how to play the octavina, along with our then mentor, Ms. Marcaida. One by one, I remembered all of us in unison telling him that the instruments we tried to play did not sound at all. Out of our small hands, the secret was taught: apply much pressure in the string to make the sound came out.

Do re mi fa so la si do. Do si la so fa mi re do. The big bellied dark browned man with big eyes and bigger smile coached. His voice was big but gentle. Out from music, I had myself disciplined — I enjoyed playing and practicing at home, much to the amusement of my neighbors. My grandfather loved to hear me playing the octavina. It was my first field trip in Manila  because of the Rondalla National Competition in Luneta.

I met him again when I was in second year highschool. We occupied the bandroom at the QNHS Grandstand every two o clock in the afternoon everyday.  It was also because of Rondalla that I never had been interested in sports as  we were exempted for taking it. Music is one big part of my highschool life.

Even after highschool, I never ceased visiting  sir Emy. He was  a mentor, a friend, a father  to me.  I just popped out in school or in his house anytime. His advices were good for a young woman who just had her heart broken…Advises that is telling me to move on, to be practical, and to strive more. He said I was one of his favorites. And certainly he is the only teacher that I have kept dear upto these days.

His passing was a shock to me. I did not know the ordeals he had been.  I have regrets of not checking on him last year. I should have been there, so I could at least pour out and cry with the people he loved.

For sir Emy, even if I was not there on your last days, you knew that you are very dear to me. Apologies for not being there but definitely, you will always be in my thoughts. Forever.

May you rest in peace, my dear teacher…

—————————————————

Sir Emeterio Rolle, retired Rondalla teacher in Quezon National High School passed away last October 22, 2008 in Lucena City after battling for eight months due to heart attack.

Be Still….

Dear God,

Two years after my wedding vows.

Year 2009. The year started with me losing my job.  It was a sign of relief somehow, of a very high pressured working environment I had with a global company. Two weeks after my cessation of working contract, I felt that I am now into a period of professional bumming. I sleep without any time to follow, cook for our daily meals as my main daily task  and think and wander for the rest of the days…

Job hunting has been very hard these days as companies after companies freeze hire as the mildest attack to persistent global crisis, while recessions are more rampant side by side.  So I am now left with the things I don’t know in the first place how to start with.

Lord, I want a job for sure as I want to contribute to our target life savings. But I honestly accept this period of waiting in my life, more than ever, if this means a great time preparing for my next baby Lord.

Lord, I have not known yet what your plans for me. And I am honestly anxious about it. As my visa is coming for expiration some months from now, please LORD, I dont know how to act on it.

Father, please just be my GOD and my MASTER. Please give me a hearing ear to hear your voice and listen to your very heart.

I don’t know what to do now. I am impatient and worrisome.

Teach me how to be still… and know that YOU are my GOD.

God gives, God takes away…

I just lost my job.

The global crisis and the current market conditions are the only reason. The industry is the number one hit by the market turmoils, and my client company, though giant as what it is, has to bend down its knees and acknowledge the hard truth that it has to let go and terminate its employees. It just lashed out around 3,600 jobs globally last month. My leaders spared me though even I was a contingent. It could not forget the day it happen as I saw my mentor walking away… A mixed emotion filled up the office, no one tried to talk verbally, but the agony of loosing a friend, a team mate who you see everyday was eminent. There was no proper goodbye as we used to be. There was more of a deep and sounding worries to those who remain, as we really did not know, who would gonna be the next…

My leaders as I felt though, tried to spare me of leaving. I knew. I was a contingent. Three left and I was the only remaining contingent and just new to the team. We went into agreement to revise my contract in such a way that I might stay but the second wave of layoffs just hit it.

It was just amazing that God prepared me somehow. I could not explain much but He seemed to be talking to me just days before this happened. In my heart, we went into bargaining. He was dealing with it.

Seven months though short lived, was the best of career experience with them. It was the only job that I cried very hard  for the stress, very high expectations, and adjustments in the team. Even if you are new, you were not expected to be slow and miss their deadlines. Everyday is always a new set of production issues and very strict development timeline. The experience made me a better man. Really. But it was taking toil at my health as well it seems. Stiff kneck, back aches, numb and perspiring hands…

My leaders acknowledged my hardwork. They were thankful for it. And I could say, I did not leave them a bad image of a Filipina worker. I am careful for that. In as much as I want them to show what a Pinoy worker is made of, I guess I had proven them my point.

Though hard as it seems as it is cutting away our plan to hit the savings we wanted, God leads… I might not be good on handling my own time, but God knows my timeline better. Oh well, I am now in into the next chapter of my life. As I am His child, this will definitely sound fun.

God gives, God takes away… Blessed be the name of the LORD!

FrancisM

I read a bulletin post about FrancisM’s demise, and it turned out to be a very nasty joke. For those naive and who don’t want the curse to fall on them, they have to obligingly spread the bad news. Otherwise, will be under the spell of dying tomorrow, a day after tomorrow, or next week. Duh. (Who wouldn’t? Do we know when is the exact day we will die?)

For the sake of Francis M, having his current condition as a joke is not funny.  If somehow we understand how much it is hard and painful their current struggles are, keeping silent about it is the least that we can do. I googled updates about him, bumped into his own blog entry and read his family’s thoughts about it http://happybattle.multiply.com/ In the face of a horrible disease, he and his family have kept their positive outlook in life. And, blessed more perhaps, have made their lives open and heeding to God…

This is one I want to stress too — nasty jokes and chained emails are not helping. We have so many wasted webpages on it, why spam it? Secondly, you are left unconsciously worrying about being under the ‘curse’…For most of us, we would spam it, because “Wala namang mawawala kung gagawin mo e.”

IF you are afraid of the possible outcome should you not follow the instructions in a spam mail, there is a name above other name that is as effective as you speak it. With faith, of course. Break that curse by claiming it under His Name, break it in the power of JESUS’ Name.

Yes, as simple as that. Yet, powerful.

Try it. You will feel definitely better. “Wala namang mawawala e.”

First work lessons

Working in a fast paced financial industry-based company is a test of skills and of the inner man.  Yokkata, I am already four months at work. Somehow, I am beginning to settle down.

On those four months, they had equipped me to be a better professional. It is a dreaded training but a worthy one:

The number one thing I was asked to always remember: ASK QUESTIONS.
Even if it is trivial as A,B,C. Even if I feel so stupid asking it. I argued that I am filtering out what kind of questions to ask, whether it is a correct question or not. I am always tongue tied when in front of them… Anyway in this kind of work, either I will throw them those questions, or they will ask me what I know. And it is always assumed that not asking questions mean a full understanding what it is.

This I also stumbled going back to the bible on the book of John. My bible is in red letter edition (ie: Jesus Christ’s words in red letters). The first words Jesus said is on John 1:38 and He says, "WHAT DO YOU SEEK?". His second word and reply is, "COME AND SEE". Jesus never left us unequipped. His words are eternal and gives life: He breathes into those words… And all words become life.

Through the soothing words of My Maker, I asked God for His Wisdom. I asked him for me to be more victorious. And I always tell myself that I am a child of GOD — not less than anyone in the universe.

Second learned from my Japanese leader is to think big and to speak and act bigger. I suffered from inferiority complex, my pity, because I thought, I am a woman and a Filipina. I don’t have a good command of spoken English, much more of a Japanese, and the technical skills I have do not match with the immediate need at work.

Thanks to my Indian leader who is very strict and "mildly brutal" in my own words. He talk so small for encouragements. Because he is very equipped at work. I don’t have a background what Indians are made of. Soliciting some views from friends, I realized that they are really aggressive. They may be seen as boastful from a Filipino thinking. But they are really that kind of people. They don’t show usually their mistakes, unless it is obvious.

Learning from him, he is very careful in all things that he communicates and do. There is no room for failures or mistakes in my company. Second guessing is never a word. Because all communications, be it on email, logging in the systems application, database changes are logged and traceable. They can always find who committed such.

It is only with him that I was labeled as "IT IS A PAIN, MARIA" and "SHIT". Later on, he explained me why he is that so. "Those guys in the operations, do you see them? Wasting their time on testing these applications are not acceptable. They will definitely SHOUT at us and I don’t want to be humiliated, and I am accountable for your work."

One of my leaders told me the reason why: efficient service for our clients. They told us that should there be any mistake in the report or information given to the clients, our President himself has to meet the client in person and ask for apology. (And I cannot imagine the President doing this!) And definitely not just me, nor the whole team, but the firm as a whole will be screwed up.

After four months, I learned the basic lessons: Being sure of the work I am doing. I don’t just double check the things I do— I make it sure, I re-read and confirm at least thrice all things that are going out of my hands.

Well, it is never a smooth ride to learn this. I cannot compare the first four months of work here than of my previous job’s first four months. This was my first time to cry because of work and I think, it is worth it.

I feel I am a better professional.

I will never be perfect

I realized that my life has always been a walk of faith…

There are things that I cannot do,
because it is God’s way of reminding me that He is able.
There are things that is impossible,
because it’s God’s way of telling me that there is a miracle.
There are things that is very hard for me to grasp,
still but His way of telling me that His wisdom is unlimited.
And I can have it, as long as I deeply ASK for it.
There are times that I see myself too small and incapacitated,
because He wants me to reach out and improve myself.

After some walk in my life, I have paused for a while…
Something worse is turned in to good.
Knocking at the heaven’s door is never a hard step.
And "cannot" is turned into "can do".

"Is the lady walking really me?
Or is He the one who carried me all along?"

I mused. I don’t think I can.
It must  really be HIM in me.

Welcome to the Losers’ Club… Join me.

In Good
Company

 

We are not perfect, but
don’t worry.
You’re in good company.
Moses stuttered.
David’s armor
didn’t fit.
Paul rejected John Mark.
Hosea’s wife was a
prostitute.
Amos trained pruning a fig-tree.
Jacob was a liar.
David
had an affair.
Solomon was too rich.
Abraham was too old.
David was too
young.
Timothy had ulcers.
Peter was afraid of death.
Lazarus was
dead.
John was self-righteous.
Naomi was a widow.
Paul was a
murderer.
So was Moses.
Jonah ran from God.
Miriam was a
gossiper.
Gideon and Thomas both doubted.
Jeremiah was depressed and
suicidal.
Elijah was burned out.
John the Baptist was a
loudmouth.
Martha was a worrywart.
Mary was lazy.
Samson had long
hair.
Noah was a drunkard.
Did I mention that
Moses had a short
fuse?
So did Peter, Paul – well, lots of folks did.

 

But God doesn’t require a job interview.
He doesn’t
hire and fire like most bosses,
because He’s more our Dad than our Boss.

He doesn’t look at financial gain or loss.
He’s not
prejudiced or partial, not judging, grudging, sassy
or brassy, not deaf to
our cry, not blind to our need.

As much as we try, God’s gifts are free.
We could do
wonderful things for wonderful people and still
not be…Wonderful.
Satan
says, "You are not worthy."
Jesus says, "So what! I AM."

Satan looks back and sees our mistakes.
God looks
back and sees a cross.
He doesn’t calculate what you did in ‘78, ‘88 or
‘98;
It’s not even on the record.
Sure. There are lots of reasons why God
shouldn’t want us.

But if we are seriously in love with Him,
if we
hunger for Him more than our next breath,
He will use us in spite of who we
are, where we’ve been,
or what we look like.

Step out of your limitations into the nature and
unlimited
power of God.

This is my blessing for you for
today!